Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Happy Mardi Gras Dahlings

Fat Tuesday. Fat Tuesday, because I ate all that King Cake this weekend. Fat Tuesday, because I'm beginning to bloat from The Margaritas I am consuming today.

We sneak to the Marginy [Mare run knee] , an artsy hippie kind of place, south of The Quarter.
A laid back type of Mardi Gras with much better costumes.
A hot sausage in a napkin kind of place. An airplane made of a bicycle built for two, complete with Amelia Earhart and The Wright Brothers zooms by, the cardboard makes it hard for Amelia to pedal. How cool was that? Sippin' a Mint Julep with a priest on one side, and the devil on the other side. What's that you say, Mr Devil, the priest is your boyfriend, oh How Nice! Only in Nawlins'! A toast with the Pope, with his "kid in the korner" doll attached face forward to his crotch. A Naked Chef or 6 with aprons covering the front, wide "ass" open in the back. Those naked chefs scare me with those big spoons they have, that could be one ugly accident. It's Mardi Gras Ya'll! The ugliest shoes I own, it's puke protection for the cute ones left sitting in my closet. A love connection right there during the parade, oh they just met, quick movers they are, it's conception time, right here for all the kiddies to see.
Thanks young lady there in the LSU shirt for reminding my John that my boobies don't look like that anymore. He turned his head, I'm pretty sure, but I will carefully watch next time, I'm feeling a little bitchy, might need that for the fight home.
Oh Lovely, here come the trannys. How is it that their stuff, you know, STUFF looks so much more appeasing than mine would in the camel toe special bathing suit they bought for the parade today. Do they wax, and if so, do they go somewhere and pay someone to do this for them? Not a job for The Bumpkin for sure. Mardi Gras always makes me want to get a boob job. Same price as last year $4900.00 nothing has changed except an extra year of droop. Wonder if there is an extra charge for over 40? That's alot of hoisting.

Oh look it's Elvis, over there too! That's Elvis. Did you see the Dad dressed as Elvis with his little girl as Priscilla, did he mean to make that pun? Funny.
He's been dead so long, how about someone gets innovative, and just for kicks we see Bono, or maybe Sting instead this year.
Here comes the Fema Roof people again, it's been 5 years almost. Enough with the Katrina jokes. Looters with their big screens in the shopping baskets, Fema trailers, and the such. Enough. Get a New Costume.
Oh that's that Bullmastiff from last year. He's a good boy, just got to get one pat in, don't leave me. Hi There Lady! wag, wag, wag, "Do you have some water for me?" No sorry Big Boy recycle some of that slobber you got there.

Honey, "I have to pee within 20 minutes!" "I did not just pee an hour ago." That was at 10am and it's 2 now what do you think I am Queen Holditzilla. "Bumpkin Your'e Whining." "I am not whining, and I saw you look at the girls boobs earlier." "I told you not to wear those shoes."
How far away is the truck? I'm tired can I stay here, and you can just drive by and pick me up? Oh, you parked in the residential zone? That's $25 for the parking ticket John. Well, it's $30 to park 3 blocks further, so I saved you $5 and 3 blocks of bitching.

Let's get coffee and head across the lake before the parade's over. We'll beat the traffic. Oh wait that coffee shop is not far from that one little jewelry store, and the Pizza Kitchen. We finish dinner just as the parade is ended, and find we are stuck in the quarter with no way out. Roads are blocked, but every year we have to do the drive around in circles searching for a way out. "We were here 10 minutes ago John. There is the same lady with the Big Fedora I pointed out earlier. This is not the way. Shut up, I lived in New Orleans for 10 years, I know where I'm going. I saw you look at that girls boobs. There goes the lady with the Fedora on again. Same lady, same Fedora.

Look those ladies are drunkity drunkity drunk. Did she just show you her boob John?
That'll fix you...Old boob for you.

Now readers it's just like you're there. Feel better about not being in New Orleans for Mardi Gras?

Do this instead, it's a hell of a lot easier.

Emeril's Easy King Cake Recipe

1 (12 ounce) can crescent rolls
1/4 cup cinnamon
1/4 cup butter
1 (21 ounce) can fruit pie filling (suggesting Peach in a passive aggressive kind of way here)
1 (8 ounce) package cream cheese
1 cup powdered sugar
1/2 cup icing (see below)
3/4 cup sugar, divided into 3 parts (that's 1/4 a cup three times ya'll)
food coloring (gold, purple, green)

1. After opening the can of crescent rolls, unroll in one piece. With your fingers, press seams together to form one piece of dough.
2. Mix together butter and cinnamon, gently spread over the dough.
3. Mix together cream cheese and powdered sugar. Drop teaspoons over the top of the dough. Drop teaspoonfuls of pie filling (cherry, blueberry or peach) over the dough as you did the cream cheese.
4. Starting on the long end, carefully roll the dough, horizontally, with the filling and cream cheese inside. Insert plastic baby at any place within the dough.
5. Place on baking pan with the seam side down in a circle, pinching the ends together.
6. Bake at 350 for 15-20 minutes or until golden brown.
7. While the cake is baking, use the food coloring to dye the sugar.
8. When cake is cool, pour icing over the top of the cake. Sprinkle with the colored sugar, alternating the three colors as you go around the circle.
9. For icing: Combine 1 cup of powdered sugar, 1 tbsp lemon juice and 1 tbsp water until smooth.

Double everything for the Party Size King Cake.

The Bumpkin


MCW said...

Favorite post ever. I feel like I am there. I practiced holding in my pee for weeks before heading down to mardi gras a few years ago!

Sarah - La Jeune Marie said...

I am literally laughing out loud. This was such an awesome post!

PS. I am sorry the Anthro dress was short on you - I have the dress as well (in kelly green) and it's alright on me (but I'm a shorty! LOL). May be they will let you bring it back?

Kim G. said...

Really sweet of him to save you five bucks and the three blocks of bitching! Hilarious!