A Bumpkin Looks At 40

Hello 40! How are you? It’s a pleasure to meet you. Aren’t you like 5 years early? Wow how the time flies. I graduated last year, and college was just last month right? Please, please be nice to me.
I want to give you younger ladies a little insight about the emotional roller coaster that is 40.
Oh, the things that I haven't done, those things that were supposed to be done by today. The book that I haven't written, the house that isn't paid for yet. The wedding. Don't let me forget the million dollars that isn't in the bank yet. I just checked, nope still not there.
I have had my days, don't get me wrong, today is not completely full of regrets. But yes, they are still there.
Don't waste the pretty ladies. Don't. waste. it. Treasure every single moment of your youth. Do all of those things that you think you shouldn't. Do all of those things that you want to do, but others think are inappropriate. Do it, you hear me?
Travel to all those places that you want to see. Have those lovers. Buy those purses. Wear those heels, and the glitter eyeliner, even if it’s to the grocery store. Do it, before it's too late.
Those of you, who take pictures in the bathroom, have shown me your tights and sweater dresses. I especially love the knee high boots with this look. I set out for a “40” outfit. Something fabulous, sexy, and unforgettable. Standing in the mirror at Dillard’s, in this carefully ensembled outfit, it hit me. 40. There it was. I WAS TOO OLD FOR MY DREAM OUTFIT. Too old for the knee high boots. Not enough sit ups in my 30's stared back at me.
There were moments that I was sure I would be fabulous at 40. Not bad at best ladies. Not bad at best. I wish that I would have spent more time finding my center, you know discovering me. Believe you me on my regret list today there are not things like, I wish I would have spent more time at work. Nor is there a, I wish my house was perfectly clean and organized. There are things like the Jamaican vacation, the pair of Jimmy Choo's (Hi Tara!), the wrinkle treatment that I couldn't bring myself to pay $145 for. Oprah once asked Maya Angelou, what was her biggest regret? I was shocked, and disappointed when she said, "I wish I would have taken better care of my neck." I thought it was shallow. I was 30. Today it is brilliant. Today I am 40, and I can relate. All the way down to the boobies with the sun blocking moisturizer ladies, all the way down to the boobies.
My "hot" tans of my twenties, wrinkles today ladies. There is a reason why the southern belles of long ago, always took to the shade. Stay away from the sun, as much as you can, trust the 40 woman who lives on the beach with this one. Just trust me okay. That two day glow. Not worth it!
My hippie days of no bra. Great and I thought it was so cool. Now just look at em, sliding across my navel nearly. Jack up those ta- ta's high as you can. Sleep in your bra 3 nights a week if you have to. Whatever it takes.
One thing I don't regret ladies. I have made some of the most wonderful friends in my life. Some stayed a season, some stayed forever. Girlfriends can get you through anything, including 40. Tonight I will celebrate with the best of mine. Today I will speak with the best of mine, and I will make it through. I'll set some new goals, and try again. Till then I feel I have fulfilled my duty to the youth, to give you some insight into this day. Don't Waste The Pretty!

Oh, speaking of the wedding that didn't happen. On Christmas morning, after 8 years of waiting, I said yes, and in the spring or early summer on The Riverboat Natchez in New Orleans, LA I will say I do. Better late than never right? The diamond is also making today just a wee bit easier.

So, run out and do something for my 40th birthday that you have always wanted to do, or buy, or eat. Think of me, and send me a note to tell me just how much you enjoyed it!
Now I will wipe the tears, slap on a little more concealer, dye the gray roots, and on with it. Maybe I will even go buy those knee high boots. They say women hit their sexual prime in their 40’s. They could come in handy; there is a wedding night in my near future.

Love,
The Bumpkin

P.S. Stay tuned...I am writing Tiger a letter.

ATTENTION ALL SOUTHERN BELLES ESPECIALLY THE LAWYERS, NON-METH USERS, AND THOSE WITH GOOD TEETH!

Dear My Darling Kelly at Housewife Savant,

Still troubled over this post, I did a little research for you. Back in 1861 when North and South really mattered, they drew a map so there were no misunderstandings on which states were North and which states were South. This is the intelligent Yankee version even, as the hillbillies from the South, are still to this day not intelligent enough to post a picture online.

Those folks that you speak so ill of are Yankees, not Southerners.

I am ashamed of my comment on your blog, over this post, and I apologize if I was rude.

A true southern belle would have never even responded.

We all have bad days.
We all open mouth insert foot.
We all have a choice to follow or not to follow.

Merry Merry Merry Christmas.

SOUTHERN BELLES UNITE AND GET TO THIS POST AND COMMENT! THE YANKEES ARE HAVING A HAY-DAY OVER THERE!

Love,
The Bumpkin

Hello There!

Coming back soon. Miss all of you.......
I'm looking for someone to redesign Bumpkin On A Swing for me. Who do you all recommend?

Hope you are having a joyous holiday season.

Saw this quote on a regular blog I read and found it very fitting for this time of year.

I'll leave you with this.

There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle".
~Albert Einstein

Love and Merry wishes,
The Bumpkin

Favre Football Hometown Edition

If you been riding the swing for awhile, you'll remember when I bid our Hometown Boy a tribute upon his 1st (of many apparently) retirements with this post here.
Brett in Packers jersey, oh the memories.

One of my favorite things about the Packers days were times like these....


It was hard to be a Brett fan, even if we are from the same blades of grass, when he was in the same league as My Bears. Urlacher usually got him at least once a game. Archrivals those Packers and Bears are, and you'll remember that I took an oath to My John (Southside of Chicago Native) that I solemnly swear to always hate The Packers regardless of the circumstances. Finally he retired from Green Bay, and with the help of Ebay I made a little extra dough selling the hometown newspaper tribute edition.
Then he sported this jersey.............

We Bears fans were more on the Favre bandwagon, because he wasn't that big of a threat, and now he sports this jersey...........

and...........he's breathing down our throats again. This "old man" is still nailing those passes.....I pray he ends it before the glory is gone.
So, we Southern Mississippi football fans are looking for a little excitement for when Brett retires for real. It's the next generation.........
This is hitting our newspapers nowadays.

St. Stanislaus Rochachaws senior Quarterback Dylan Favre, Brett's nephew, is tearing up the state records, before moving on to college. Dylan Favre made it a night to remember in Leakesville Friday night by breaking the state career records for both touchdown passes and passing yards. I really wanted a picture to share, but the press in Leakesvills is usally in bed by 6pm, right before they roll up the streets. Podunk central if you catch my drift. So instead I had to um...."borrow" a pic from his facebook page. I hope he doesn't mind :)
Younger ladies this one is still single, better get on it!

Don't forget when he's throwing passes to the end zone in the Superbowl, who told ya first!
Love,
The Bumpkin

Fang Banger?

It took me almost a month of stalking at Blockbuster to finally get my hands on the first two episodes of Trueblood. Almost every one of you bloggers have taunted me with a few spoilers, or at least enticed me to want to watch this series.

I am just a wee bit creeped by the fact that more than one of today's vampire tales come from the Louisiana swamps. These are my stomping grounds. Great fishing, GREAT FOOD, good people, Electric MUSIC (we call this swamp boogie), and lastly really strange characters on occasion. The next time I go to New Orleans, I will venture to "that" neighborhood, and take a few pictures of the self proclaimed blood suckers for all of you to see. Of course I know that vampires don't exist. Right? They don't ya'll Right? I am a very logical person, and reason most things as it's the trend right now.
However, for years before these tales ever hit the mainstream there have been our "campfire" Louisiana vampire stories. Is this the circle from where these writers feed? Furthermore, are they capitalizing on the doubt that each of us around those campfires have had at one point or another.
New Orleans is all things Voodoo, and some natives of New Orleans have some really strange trains of thoughts. Some just simply state, that people are strange, especially in New Orleans. That's my main theory, but I'll be "dadgum" if there aren't certain aspects of these stories that don't ring a bell.
For instance, drainers. Drainers are another claim from The Voodoo capital of the world. In the voodoo shops of The French Quarter, a vampire's blood is touted to cure impotency in men, and thrush in babies. It's $6.99 for a small vial. Of course, I'm never going to drink anything sold in a small vial off Bourbon street, but the correlation is odd to say the least. I have long since considered it common knowledge that the collectors of this blood are called Drainers. Even knew a "drainer" when I worked in New Orleans, and just blew it off, as some sore of mental oddity that he sold himself as such. I've heard this claim since I was a "wee little one." There is no way it could be a reference from these series.
Clairvoyants (defined as those able to sense things beyond normal senses), simulates to the Gypsies of Jackson Square. Creepy I tell you. Creepy.
Marketing majors of the Swamp South are jumping all over this, as in recent tourism ads, they are have been flashes of these vampire trends. Did any of you remember the movie with Lisa Bonet called Angelheart? Try and rent sometime, and you'll see what I mean. Very authentic Big Easy culture.
Off the subject for a second, Halloween in New Orleans will leave chill bumps on your arms. Promise, strange seeps from the woodwork that night. This year KISS and Eminem will be performing in City Park. On the posters advertising this there is a large declaration at the bottom that states, "NON-SEASONED NEW ORLEANS TOURISTS SHOULD NOT ATTEND THIS EVENT!" Now what marketing mind would ever warn potential spenders of danger? Only in New Orleans.
Two things even in two episodes of Trueblood that are not authentic. The food served in the restaurant where Sookie works. In the swamp we don't do burgers and fries. Come on LA people. It's crawfish, shrimp, and fish. We don't use ketchup either, it's Crystal Hot Sauce Ya'll. Get a Grip!
Secondly, the "accent" coach for Rene needs to be fired. That is the worst interpretation of Creole I have ever heard. A beautiful, and sexy language made to sound down right handicapped. Get an authentic, caramel-skinned, brown-eyed, muscled bound Cajun to play this part, and watch the ratings soar a little.
My last bit of realism tied to fantasy is this little statement that makes the hair stand up on the back of my neck. Certain women who are Gothic in NO, refer to themselves as Fang Bangers. These women live in what's called the Marigny, and have what I believe disfigured themselves to appear to have been bitten by a vampire. My friends in New Orleans when I worked there called them Fang Bangers. It is really odd to hear that term used on HBO twenty years later. Something to think about it.
Despite all this creepiness I am hooked, or should I say I have been bitten, again. I really want to read this series. I have found it on EBAY for cheap and am bidding away. I dropped out of the Twilight saga after the first book.
We'll see where it goes. Anyone want to come visit and me, and aide me in a supernatural research series about the Big Easy. Come on ya'll don't be scared it's not real. Right?
Love,
The Bumpkin

Californication

I just finished watching the first season of Californication. I think it was the most enlightening experience of my thirties.
Some things I recognized, and some I didn't.
First I'm shocked that I found David Duchovny to be sexy. I never was an X (is this one of those times than X gets an "an" even though it's not a vowel ?)files fan, and he wasn't the love of my twenties like some of my gal pals back then. They would drool over what..... was his name then Moulder or something like that? Me, not so much.
I think the sexy about him in this series is his unfaltering love for Karen, then maybe it could be all the raw sex scenes (as caution, this is shown late at night on Showtime), and I understand why. My favorite scene, when Karen gets called the "C" word at the charity ball. That always deserves a good swing in my opinion. The knight in smoke covered armor, a writer, a sex machine, and a great dad. I think I may be getting old to hear myself say sexy and dad, all in the same sentence.
All of the characters are "groovy" in their own way. They become endearing to you, even the villans. I'm headed to Blockbuster tomorrow, to stalk Season 2.
Love Hank, but my favorite character is Karen, she is so Hippie Voracious.

Has anyone other than me noticed the resemblance to this woman?

Dooce herself, Heather Armstrong, number 26 in milk stains!
[cue jingle]
Photo of Heather and her new addition courtesy of Armstrong Media LLC.

I also rented the first two episodes of Season 1 of Trueblood. I hear you all out there gasping the word,"Eric"
Love,
The Bumpkin

What Rainy Days Are For

It has been raining cats and dogs here on The Mississippi Gulf Coast. Everyday last week, and my yard is one big mud puddle.
You all remember Jibbs, my beautiful white American Bulldog right?
If you haven't met him, you can go back and read his story here.

It's hard to keep this one clean. As I have told you, he lives to play the ball.
The ball, The ball, The ball. American Bulldogs are very active, and must be exercised regularly.

The only reason we get great pictures like this, is because we hold the ball while taking them.
He was so restless this weekend in all the rain. Mamma too, so I decided to take a nap before the Bears game on Sunday.

Doggy and Daddy fun apparently took place while Mamma was sleeping. I found these pictures on the camera late last night. I would have never known otherwise.

He was about to bust to play the ball, so I can't really be all that mad.

They covered their tracks pretty well. Jibbs was clean as a whistle,and inside sleeping before I ever woke up.

Look at the dirt in his mouth. He was really having fun! Sometimes even dogs need to let loose, and go "hog wild."
How was your weekend?
Love,
The Bumpkin