Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Dear Tiger,

Dear Tiger Woods,

Somewhere out there, is a little boy, a golf club, and a dream that is shattered. Not only the dream that you had, but the dream of other countless little boys and girls, who called you their hero. Sad, what a poor example you have set. Sad that come that Masters in April, you'll walk right out on that course, and you will pretend nothing has happened, that you are untarnished, and that you can carry out the American Dream. Shame on you for even considering this, because I am certain, that there will not be a woman on that golf course, or in those sidelines, nor in that board room of your big former endorsers, who will not want to viciously vomit at the first sight of your sorry face.
She was your friends Nanny uh? Your wife I mean, you know Elin? Remember her? The one who now has a death grip on your balls, and your ASSets. How many millions will it take her stay in the hell you have put her through? Her new suitors? Lawyers, uh oh Tiger Boy, gonna cost you, big time, you know that right? Public embarassment, humiliation, stress.....and on and on.....I can only hope for Elin's sake that you were asleep, when she took that first swing with that 3 iron, and that the thought that first crossed your mind was "this crazy Swedish bitch is trying to kill me." That feeling equals the first time she "knew", I mean really knew. Hope you can now relate.
I hate that your fans, both young and old, have to hear these stories. Red panties because it's your Mommy's favorite color? No condom? Doubt that will fly in the future, since the whole world knows how long that's being going on. Can you imagine how Elin felt when she was forced to endure the Super Sized Deluxe STD screening?
Gotta love that little bonus prize in all of this, as if the cameras and women crawling from the woodwork wasn't enough. She gets to worry about what disease could potentially pop up in the next 20 years or so. That's gonna cost you extra.

You may think these things slip by children. They don't. Years ago, my nieces huddled at a slumber party secretly asked me, "What did President Clinton do with that cigar to that black haired lady?" They know, and you will have to explain your actions to your children one day. Sure they are much to young now, but they will google in the future, and there these little indiscretions will be.

Let's talk about your little "entourage."

Rachel Uslutel---Do you really think he's gonna divorce her, give her all his money, and then marry you and spend the rest of his life with you? Do you really believe that? Maybe not, hired Gloria to get yours now did you?

Breastee Grubbs- you got his ass with that voice mail, didn't you? A woman scorned....well you know the rest of the story. High five! You even saved all the kinky little text messages. You knew they would get top dollar. Smartest girl of the bunch you are. High Five!

Mistresses # 3-10 . One night stands with "The Raging Blasian"--Rock On Bitches! Rock On! I wonder did you save some proof for later, how did these reporters confirm your accusations. Even though it may have been consecutive one night stands, still one night stands with a super celebrity. Can't say I wouldn't do the same if say Toby Keith were to spend the night at the Motel 6 here in small town Mississippi. Even netted a little bonus Christmas shopping money compliments of we buyers of US Weekly & Star.

Tiger, you did it. Ambien sex, spankings, hair pulls, orchestrated meet-ups, you even used your best friend to orchestrate these trysts. I bet his wife, was quite happy about that too? You did it, now come out of hiding, and answer the phone for Charles and the boys. Face the music, Mr. Woods.

I mean at some point didn't that little voice in your head, say "hey Tiger, don't let the little "cocktail waitress" take a picture of your penis!"

Dumb ass!

The Bumpkin


Jennifer T said...

"dumbass!" is right!! thats all i have to say about that!

Bethany said...

You tell him, girlfriend!!

Tara Gibson said...

hahaha LOVED this! Dont even get me started on that dumbass!

Michelle said...

LOL, snicker, snicker...I have been out of the loop in reading in blogland but all I can say is, "preach it sista"! Happy belated New Year, dear friend.

The Girl Next Door said...

We represented Tiger when he and Elin were first married. She's smart - she totally impressed us all - and they made a great team. Pisses me off that he could be so stupid. I can sort of comprehend the pressures of being an uber-star, but this is just too much. I love it that endorsements are dropping off. Of course, he already has enough money for 4 lifetimes, even if Elin cleans his clock.

Organic Meatbag said...

man, talk about playing 18 holes...hahahaha