Tuesday, December 29, 2009

A Bumpkin Looks At 40

Hello 40! How are you? It’s a pleasure to meet you. Aren’t you like 5 years early? Wow how the time flies. I graduated last year, and college was just last month right? Please, please be nice to me.
I want to give you younger ladies a little insight about the emotional roller coaster that is 40.
Oh, the things that I haven't done, those things that were supposed to be done by today. The book that I haven't written, the house that isn't paid for yet. The wedding. Don't let me forget the million dollars that isn't in the bank yet. I just checked, nope still not there.
I have had my days, don't get me wrong, today is not completely full of regrets. But yes, they are still there.
Don't waste the pretty ladies. Don't. waste. it. Treasure every single moment of your youth. Do all of those things that you think you shouldn't. Do all of those things that you want to do, but others think are inappropriate. Do it, you hear me?
Travel to all those places that you want to see. Have those lovers. Buy those purses. Wear those heels, and the glitter eyeliner, even if it’s to the grocery store. Do it, before it's too late.
Those of you, who take pictures in the bathroom, have shown me your tights and sweater dresses. I especially love the knee high boots with this look. I set out for a “40” outfit. Something fabulous, sexy, and unforgettable. Standing in the mirror at Dillard’s, in this carefully ensembled outfit, it hit me. 40. There it was. I WAS TOO OLD FOR MY DREAM OUTFIT. Too old for the knee high boots. Not enough sit ups in my 30's stared back at me.
There were moments that I was sure I would be fabulous at 40. Not bad at best ladies. Not bad at best. I wish that I would have spent more time finding my center, you know discovering me. Believe you me on my regret list today there are not things like, I wish I would have spent more time at work. Nor is there a, I wish my house was perfectly clean and organized. There are things like the Jamaican vacation, the pair of Jimmy Choo's (Hi Tara!), the wrinkle treatment that I couldn't bring myself to pay $145 for. Oprah once asked Maya Angelou, what was her biggest regret? I was shocked, and disappointed when she said, "I wish I would have taken better care of my neck." I thought it was shallow. I was 30. Today it is brilliant. Today I am 40, and I can relate. All the way down to the boobies with the sun blocking moisturizer ladies, all the way down to the boobies.
My "hot" tans of my twenties, wrinkles today ladies. There is a reason why the southern belles of long ago, always took to the shade. Stay away from the sun, as much as you can, trust the 40 woman who lives on the beach with this one. Just trust me okay. That two day glow. Not worth it!
My hippie days of no bra. Great and I thought it was so cool. Now just look at em, sliding across my navel nearly. Jack up those ta- ta's high as you can. Sleep in your bra 3 nights a week if you have to. Whatever it takes.
One thing I don't regret ladies. I have made some of the most wonderful friends in my life. Some stayed a season, some stayed forever. Girlfriends can get you through anything, including 40. Tonight I will celebrate with the best of mine. Today I will speak with the best of mine, and I will make it through. I'll set some new goals, and try again. Till then I feel I have fulfilled my duty to the youth, to give you some insight into this day. Don't Waste The Pretty!

Oh, speaking of the wedding that didn't happen. On Christmas morning, after 8 years of waiting, I said yes, and in the spring or early summer on The Riverboat Natchez in New Orleans, LA I will say I do. Better late than never right? The diamond is also making today just a wee bit easier.

So, run out and do something for my 40th birthday that you have always wanted to do, or buy, or eat. Think of me, and send me a note to tell me just how much you enjoyed it!
Now I will wipe the tears, slap on a little more concealer, dye the gray roots, and on with it. Maybe I will even go buy those knee high boots. They say women hit their sexual prime in their 40’s. They could come in handy; there is a wedding night in my near future.

The Bumpkin

P.S. Stay tuned...I am writing Tiger a letter.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Dear My Darling Kelly at Housewife Savant,

Still troubled over this post, I did a little research for you. Back in 1861 when North and South really mattered, they drew a map so there were no misunderstandings on which states were North and which states were South. This is the intelligent Yankee version even, as the hillbillies from the South, are still to this day not intelligent enough to post a picture online.

Those folks that you speak so ill of are Yankees, not Southerners.

I am ashamed of my comment on your blog, over this post, and I apologize if I was rude.

A true southern belle would have never even responded.

We all have bad days.
We all open mouth insert foot.
We all have a choice to follow or not to follow.

Merry Merry Merry Christmas.


The Bumpkin

Friday, December 11, 2009

Hello There!

Coming back soon. Miss all of you.......
I'm looking for someone to redesign Bumpkin On A Swing for me. Who do you all recommend?

Hope you are having a joyous holiday season.

Saw this quote on a regular blog I read and found it very fitting for this time of year.

I'll leave you with this.

There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle".
~Albert Einstein

Love and Merry wishes,
The Bumpkin