Dear Tiger,

Dear Tiger Woods,

Somewhere out there, is a little boy, a golf club, and a dream that is shattered. Not only the dream that you had, but the dream of other countless little boys and girls, who called you their hero. Sad, what a poor example you have set. Sad that come that Masters in April, you'll walk right out on that course, and you will pretend nothing has happened, that you are untarnished, and that you can carry out the American Dream. Shame on you for even considering this, because I am certain, that there will not be a woman on that golf course, or in those sidelines, nor in that board room of your big former endorsers, who will not want to viciously vomit at the first sight of your sorry face.
She was your friends Nanny uh? Your wife I mean, you know Elin? Remember her? The one who now has a death grip on your balls, and your ASSets. How many millions will it take her stay in the hell you have put her through? Her new suitors? Lawyers, uh oh Tiger Boy, gonna cost you, big time, you know that right? Public embarassment, humiliation, stress.....and on and on.....I can only hope for Elin's sake that you were asleep, when she took that first swing with that 3 iron, and that the thought that first crossed your mind was "this crazy Swedish bitch is trying to kill me." That feeling equals the first time she "knew", I mean really knew. Hope you can now relate.
I hate that your fans, both young and old, have to hear these stories. Red panties because it's your Mommy's favorite color? No condom? Doubt that will fly in the future, since the whole world knows how long that's being going on. Can you imagine how Elin felt when she was forced to endure the Super Sized Deluxe STD screening?
Gotta love that little bonus prize in all of this, as if the cameras and women crawling from the woodwork wasn't enough. She gets to worry about what disease could potentially pop up in the next 20 years or so. That's gonna cost you extra.

You may think these things slip by children. They don't. Years ago, my nieces huddled at a slumber party secretly asked me, "What did President Clinton do with that cigar to that black haired lady?" They know, and you will have to explain your actions to your children one day. Sure they are much to young now, but they will google in the future, and there these little indiscretions will be.




Let's talk about your little "entourage."

Rachel Uslutel---Do you really think he's gonna divorce her, give her all his money, and then marry you and spend the rest of his life with you? Do you really believe that? Maybe not, hired Gloria to get yours now did you?

Breastee Grubbs- you got his ass with that voice mail, didn't you? A woman scorned....well you know the rest of the story. High five! You even saved all the kinky little text messages. You knew they would get top dollar. Smartest girl of the bunch you are. High Five!

Mistresses # 3-10 . One night stands with "The Raging Blasian"--Rock On Bitches! Rock On! I wonder did you save some proof for later, how did these reporters confirm your accusations. Even though it may have been consecutive one night stands, still one night stands with a super celebrity. Can't say I wouldn't do the same if say Toby Keith were to spend the night at the Motel 6 here in small town Mississippi. Even netted a little bonus Christmas shopping money compliments of we buyers of US Weekly & Star.

Tiger, you did it. Ambien sex, spankings, hair pulls, orchestrated meet-ups, you even used your best friend to orchestrate these trysts. I bet his wife, was quite happy about that too? You did it, now come out of hiding, and answer the phone for Charles and the boys. Face the music, Mr. Woods.

I mean at some point didn't that little voice in your head, say "hey Tiger, don't let the little "cocktail waitress" take a picture of your penis!"

Dumb ass!



Love,
The Bumpkin

And I Quote

You don't have to take life the way it comes to you. You can design your life to come to you the way you want it!~Dan Zadra

2010? Really?

The strangest thing about the New Year for me this year, was how it seems like only yesterday a 30 year old Bumpkin was celebrating a new millenium. 2000 was just last week right?
Where has the time gone? How quickly it slips away. While others reflected on the past year, I found myself in the corner sipping champagne, reflecting on not one but 10 years that slipped away.
There was 9/11. I met a wonderful man, and spent almost 8 years with him. I remember on that night in 1999, wondering would he ever find me. He did, and he was worth the wait. I lost my mamma, my sister, and my brother. Never in a million years could you have convinced me it would be decade of sickness, tragedy, funerals, and loss. Half way through there was a lady named Katrina. She was a bitch, nope no friend at all. She left us with streets with no name, and stairs to nowhere. I was laid off twice, in the beginning and the end. I made some wonderful friends that helped ease the loss of my family. I gained weight, I lost weight, I gained weight, I lost weight. We saved more than a few animals, bought a house, and a truck. I started a blog. I went to the Bahamas, I went to Chicago, I went to the mountains, and saw real snow in Kansas for the first time in my life. I learned to cook, and to do my own laundry.
The point to all this rambling. I have discovered the secret to life. The best resolution I think I can make. Here it is.
In this decade I will LIVE IN THE MOMENT. Love life, or hate it, but embrace every moment of it. Blogger world, there is no way to know what tomorrow, or next week, next year, or the next decade will bring you.
Be centered and strong. It may be something bad, it may be something wonderful, they may even be packaged together to disguise the other. Whatever it is, if it's worth enjoying it, enjoy it; if it merits forgetting, forget it, it will be gone before you know it.
My wish for all of you, is to discover that there are only so many sunrises, sunsets, and new years, and that time eventually does run out.
I said when I was 40, don't waste the pretty, and get to living the life of your dreams, because before you know it, you will be looking at 2040, or 2050, and you will have spent too much time on the things that aren't really that important.
Save someone this year, and let that someone be you!

Love,
The Bumpkin

A Bumpkin Looks At 40

Hello 40! How are you? It’s a pleasure to meet you. Aren’t you like 5 years early? Wow how the time flies. I graduated last year, and college was just last month right? Please, please be nice to me.
I want to give you younger ladies a little insight about the emotional roller coaster that is 40.
Oh, the things that I haven't done, those things that were supposed to be done by today. The book that I haven't written, the house that isn't paid for yet. The wedding. Don't let me forget the million dollars that isn't in the bank yet. I just checked, nope still not there.
I have had my days, don't get me wrong, today is not completely full of regrets. But yes, they are still there.
Don't waste the pretty ladies. Don't. waste. it. Treasure every single moment of your youth. Do all of those things that you think you shouldn't. Do all of those things that you want to do, but others think are inappropriate. Do it, you hear me?
Travel to all those places that you want to see. Have those lovers. Buy those purses. Wear those heels, and the glitter eyeliner, even if it’s to the grocery store. Do it, before it's too late.
Those of you, who take pictures in the bathroom, have shown me your tights and sweater dresses. I especially love the knee high boots with this look. I set out for a “40” outfit. Something fabulous, sexy, and unforgettable. Standing in the mirror at Dillard’s, in this carefully ensembled outfit, it hit me. 40. There it was. I WAS TOO OLD FOR MY DREAM OUTFIT. Too old for the knee high boots. Not enough sit ups in my 30's stared back at me.
There were moments that I was sure I would be fabulous at 40. Not bad at best ladies. Not bad at best. I wish that I would have spent more time finding my center, you know discovering me. Believe you me on my regret list today there are not things like, I wish I would have spent more time at work. Nor is there a, I wish my house was perfectly clean and organized. There are things like the Jamaican vacation, the pair of Jimmy Choo's (Hi Tara!), the wrinkle treatment that I couldn't bring myself to pay $145 for. Oprah once asked Maya Angelou, what was her biggest regret? I was shocked, and disappointed when she said, "I wish I would have taken better care of my neck." I thought it was shallow. I was 30. Today it is brilliant. Today I am 40, and I can relate. All the way down to the boobies with the sun blocking moisturizer ladies, all the way down to the boobies.
My "hot" tans of my twenties, wrinkles today ladies. There is a reason why the southern belles of long ago, always took to the shade. Stay away from the sun, as much as you can, trust the 40 woman who lives on the beach with this one. Just trust me okay. That two day glow. Not worth it!
My hippie days of no bra. Great and I thought it was so cool. Now just look at em, sliding across my navel nearly. Jack up those ta- ta's high as you can. Sleep in your bra 3 nights a week if you have to. Whatever it takes.
One thing I don't regret ladies. I have made some of the most wonderful friends in my life. Some stayed a season, some stayed forever. Girlfriends can get you through anything, including 40. Tonight I will celebrate with the best of mine. Today I will speak with the best of mine, and I will make it through. I'll set some new goals, and try again. Till then I feel I have fulfilled my duty to the youth, to give you some insight into this day. Don't Waste The Pretty!

Oh, speaking of the wedding that didn't happen. On Christmas morning, after 8 years of waiting, I said yes, and in the spring or early summer on The Riverboat Natchez in New Orleans, LA I will say I do. Better late than never right? The diamond is also making today just a wee bit easier.

So, run out and do something for my 40th birthday that you have always wanted to do, or buy, or eat. Think of me, and send me a note to tell me just how much you enjoyed it!
Now I will wipe the tears, slap on a little more concealer, dye the gray roots, and on with it. Maybe I will even go buy those knee high boots. They say women hit their sexual prime in their 40’s. They could come in handy; there is a wedding night in my near future.

Love,
The Bumpkin

P.S. Stay tuned...I am writing Tiger a letter.

ATTENTION ALL SOUTHERN BELLES ESPECIALLY THE LAWYERS, NON-METH USERS, AND THOSE WITH GOOD TEETH!

Dear My Darling Kelly at Housewife Savant,

Still troubled over this post, I did a little research for you. Back in 1861 when North and South really mattered, they drew a map so there were no misunderstandings on which states were North and which states were South. This is the intelligent Yankee version even, as the hillbillies from the South, are still to this day not intelligent enough to post a picture online.

Those folks that you speak so ill of are Yankees, not Southerners.

I am ashamed of my comment on your blog, over this post, and I apologize if I was rude.

A true southern belle would have never even responded.

We all have bad days.
We all open mouth insert foot.
We all have a choice to follow or not to follow.

Merry Merry Merry Christmas.

SOUTHERN BELLES UNITE AND GET TO THIS POST AND COMMENT! THE YANKEES ARE HAVING A HAY-DAY OVER THERE!

Love,
The Bumpkin

Hello There!

Coming back soon. Miss all of you.......
I'm looking for someone to redesign Bumpkin On A Swing for me. Who do you all recommend?

Hope you are having a joyous holiday season.

Saw this quote on a regular blog I read and found it very fitting for this time of year.

I'll leave you with this.

There are two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle".
~Albert Einstein

Love and Merry wishes,
The Bumpkin

Favre Football Hometown Edition

If you been riding the swing for awhile, you'll remember when I bid our Hometown Boy a tribute upon his 1st (of many apparently) retirements with this post here.
Brett in Packers jersey, oh the memories.

One of my favorite things about the Packers days were times like these....


It was hard to be a Brett fan, even if we are from the same blades of grass, when he was in the same league as My Bears. Urlacher usually got him at least once a game. Archrivals those Packers and Bears are, and you'll remember that I took an oath to My John (Southside of Chicago Native) that I solemnly swear to always hate The Packers regardless of the circumstances. Finally he retired from Green Bay, and with the help of Ebay I made a little extra dough selling the hometown newspaper tribute edition.
Then he sported this jersey.............

We Bears fans were more on the Favre bandwagon, because he wasn't that big of a threat, and now he sports this jersey...........

and...........he's breathing down our throats again. This "old man" is still nailing those passes.....I pray he ends it before the glory is gone.
So, we Southern Mississippi football fans are looking for a little excitement for when Brett retires for real. It's the next generation.........
This is hitting our newspapers nowadays.

St. Stanislaus Rochachaws senior Quarterback Dylan Favre, Brett's nephew, is tearing up the state records, before moving on to college. Dylan Favre made it a night to remember in Leakesville Friday night by breaking the state career records for both touchdown passes and passing yards. I really wanted a picture to share, but the press in Leakesvills is usally in bed by 6pm, right before they roll up the streets. Podunk central if you catch my drift. So instead I had to um...."borrow" a pic from his facebook page. I hope he doesn't mind :)
Younger ladies this one is still single, better get on it!

Don't forget when he's throwing passes to the end zone in the Superbowl, who told ya first!
Love,
The Bumpkin